Of Self-worth and Body Weight

I wake up at 9 AM in an empty house because everybody else has their own place to go. Watch DVD of some TV series finishing one season all at once. Coffee break before lunch, at late afternoon, before bed and some other random times throughout the day when I think I need some. Wash exactly 10 pieces of my clothes from my laundry basket when in the mood. Eat late lunch. Walk in and out of my room few times a day hoping to remember something to be done. But it's the same dark, quiet and tight place. Everything sits perfectly on their places most of the time. Nap after lunch that would last for 3-4 hours. Renaming all the MP3 files in my desktop so that all the first letter of each in the title will be in upper case. Sort my art materials and papers which I just sort out the other day. Wake up late in the afternoon stressing about what to do next then ending up sweeping the floor I just swept before taking a nap. Some afternoon, I'd start the laptop running on my desk keen to finish some essay or narrative but feeling emptiness on its peak, I just watch the infinite white sheet with the blinking marker on the screen for hours.

Yes, I think I developed this kind of vacation-induced obsessive-compulsiveness in me, organizing and reorganizing things for the last 5 months. And occasional schizoid behavior. And yes, relapse of my coffee addiction. Basically, that's how my everyday went since I was out of school.

It's like I can wake up anytime of the day or not at all and people won't even notice. No teachers would be looking for you. No attendance to sign. No class president bugging you for your late project. And of course, no deadlines to beat. No nothing. I was always in 48 kg since high school and now I'm in 50. And I never felt so unoccupied since then. If I had been thinking so much, like I always do, I'd think my self-worth is just equal to 2 kg body weight, which is a lame relation but makes sense if you give it a second thought. But I am not thinking this time. Besides, Mushy said I will be missing this kind of sleep-eat-wake cycle forever. So I'm having this - break. Maybe it isn't that bad to just look around. Breathe. Watch the world spin around past you.

Being in this point, I realized how one heck of a rushee I was - always running so fast straight ahead - that a sudden stop from all of it would make me lose my sense of purpose. I kept myself busy with things that barely mean anything because I fear to lose whats left of my self-worth. I don't know if you can grasp anything from my jagged thoughts here. But I dare try painting a snapshot of what it looks like, from my own perspective now, on the verge of it. When you are running so fast you forgot the principle of certain things, like a pull over. There are things that you would only see when you set back. You realize that things are not in pure black and white, you start to see things in shades of grey. You see the details. You see the signs. And then you see infinite possibilities.