Where all the unsaid things are.

Showing posts with label rambling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rambling. Show all posts

Sunday, May 30, 2010

to freedom!

I am Mush Potato. I am Butthead. I am Rainbow Brite. I am Ferb. I am Luigi. I am Super. I am whoever I wish to be. I am whoever Mushy sees me. Happiness. Daydream believer.

I dream of having my house in some place kilometers away from my neighbors; where I could fly kite, have skinny dipping, ride a vintage bike, climb a tree and watch the big yellow moon, perhaps marry, do things that I never knew I could. Ironic it seems, but the meaning of happiness for me is absolute freedom - away from people, who stare, their standards or that morality. Who follows that anyway? I see all people fracture that book one wicked way or another. And ramblings maybe, I'm but I'm tired of hearing my decadence from others mouth while they fail to see their own tainted collars.

I'm living in one of the undiscovered Africas in the world, where in ordinary days great Savanna race happens in a very peculiar way. Survival of the fittest. Fittest in this context means most normal (that's scary) and understood. They are most likely if not win, will survive the race. Weak deviants nevertheless either hang themselves in the closet or jump off from an edge of something high than to struggle to be accepted.

I got tired of looking for a brighter side of this world. Or at least making myself believe that there is. That's why I chose to live in my own Inside world. Even if it's small (even getting smaller everyday). Inside, I feel safe. I have a vague picture of this inside I can't really describe it. Inside is oftentimes metaphorical. On the Outside, the Inside is nothing, just an illusion. But Inside is relative. For me, Inside is an escape pod. It is somewhere I feel everything is alright. Some people traveled for years just to find their Insides. I however, found mine with Mushy.

I am on a journey that would perhaps start one year from now. I hope. On a humanistic perspective, I am on a journey to find a safer place for me and Mushy, to build that house I've been dreaming of, to feed our Insides; where we could really be ourselves, and not just take the camouflage of the accepted truth.
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Sunday, May 9, 2010

isangdaan at dalawang butas

Kung para sa totoong pagbabago ang hangarin mo sa pagtakbo sa eleksyong ito, bakit sa huli, isa isa kayong nagstapler ng pera sa inyong pangalan?

Marahil ganun lang talaga kayo kayaman at walang mapaglagyan ng pera kaya pinamigay na lang. Pero hayaan na kung saan galing ang mga perang yan. Ang isipin kung bakit kailangan nyo pang bilhin ang boto ng tao ay sapat na para magtae ang bolpen ko.

Kung alam mong ikaw ay karapatdapat manungkulan, bakit ka makikipagsabayan sa mga kalaban mo? Bakit sa lahat ng araw ng pagpapagod mo sa pangangampanya, sa paglalatag ng makataong plataporma, sa pagsasabing matwid ka, ngayon sa huling araw ay nagpahulog ka, sumabay sa agos ng kurapsyon? Bakit ka bumibili ng boto!

Maaaring para sa iyo, payak na pagtumbas lamang yan sa mga katunggali mo, pero para sa akin nagiging malabo na ang sinasabi mong pagbabago. Dahil sa dalawang maliit na butas sa papel na hawak ko, kitang-kita ko na ang kinabukasan ng Pilipinas sa susunod na anim na taon.

Hindi na rin ako nagtataka kung bakit umaga pa lang napakaraming tao na ang nag-aabang sa kalsada. Tingnan mo, gabi na nadyan pa rin sila. Tsk. Malamang nagaantay sa baluktot mong pangako.

Nakakawalang gana. Kahit na una pa lang alam ko nang palpak, excited pa rin naman ako sa electronic election na yan. Dahil unang beses kong boboto. Sana mabilang ang boto ko. Dahil bukas boboto ako bilang taong malaya. Boboto ako bilang taong hindi bayad.

Kung masyadong magarbo ang wish kong yan at imposible, eto na lang:
Sana wag mareject ang balota ko ng PCOS Machine nyo.

Kahit yan na lang. Kahit di ko na alam kung saan mapupunta yon pakatapos.
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Friday, October 23, 2009

realization today:

Making it to Santa's nice list is a tough job.
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Friday, August 7, 2009

Lessons you don't learn in your class

Lesson #1 : Don't kill yourself with guilt if you've done something wrong. The whole business of good and evil seemed completely turned around. Some of them might be hiding things, too.

Lesson #2 : Doubt makes you bad. Jealousy makes you a monster. Helplessness can make you a limp noodle.

Lesson #3 : Everyone had to grow up. It couldn't be 1997 forever. You cannot whine for the same stuff that people don't want to give you over and over again.

Lesson #4 : Fuck you, bitch.

Lesson #5 : Mush Potato also raise middle finger and curse.
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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Random thoughts on my scribble pad

There's nothing like watching the sun come down from the window of our classroom. At first, the sky is all kind of bright orange and red and burning. Then the nearby building starts to swallow the sun, only those beyond it knows what happen next. But to me its like Picasso's depression paintings with scrawny blue hues.

It's not that I don't like Picasso. In fact, he is one of my favorite painters. At least his earlier stuff - before he started making women look like monsters, with their mouths open screaming and sharp spiked tongues and of course those blue beggars and all the other bluey painting.

She likes Van Gogh. Because I think he paints a lot of sunflowers. Maybe I do, too. I can't decide. Picasso has more styles to choose from. But Von Gogh's color is wilder and I love the way he made all those thick swirls of paint.

But then, to complicate the issue of who I like best there is Leonardo da Vinci! And Claude Monet. And Me. Haha. Actually, I like them all. I haven't really found my own style yet, but then it took Picasso a while before he found his.

****
Thought of painting right now is like a deep breath of air. It's 6:56 in the evening of a very long blue day. And I'm still sitting in my Physics class.
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Friday, July 3, 2009

it's just another sickening week

because I'm literally drowsy and chasing my nose at the end of it.

Worse.
A developed case of sinusitis.
Worst.
That pig flu. I'd rather have sinusitis.

It's been sickening because I can feel the stress all over my body now. And I'm not enjoying anything I'm doing lately. I am just so busy these days that I just never seem to have the chance to write or paint or just walk slow to appreciate the day. The world just seems so in a hurry! I can't remember going to school or hospital without running. Everyday all you got to do is run, run...and run.

Good.
That I have you.
I'm happy I'm alive. And with every dose of your Neverland, I am living. And never tired.

Keep me strong, Peter Pan.

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

hollow head for the inappropriate days

The official first week of school just worn off. It was jam-packed. Wednesday would be for minor subjects. While thursdays would be for the 7 concepts and 1 pre-op skills lab, which means I would be hurdling over an 8-unit subject for 8 hours on that day. Friday is another day for those relentless minors. And the rest of the days (including weekends) would be a self-motivated duty days. I still got nothing useful in my head, not even the slightest enthusiasm on beginning right my P12,000-worth semester. My mental health is deteriorating, because for some reasons I laughed on the most hurtful things to me. Because I'm in love with somebody but I have a strange way of showing it. I don't know how to sort out things between my past and present. Well maybe I became insane because of the intervals of horrible sanity. But for whatever it takes, I still don't think that I have the strength to let all these go - the beautiful gift of living itself and everything in it worth cursing.
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